How to get through a relationship break up

Break ups can feel like they take more than just the relationship.

You may feel as though your stability has gone, your routine, your life plans and where you thought your future was heading. Sometimes even a sense of who you are.

Even if the relationship wasn’t right, part of you wanted it to end doesn’t make it easy and a part of you may long for the idealised version of the relationship.

Sometimes we knew it was so wrong, but we doubt ourselves and start to paint the red flags green and thoughts race trying to convince ourselves it was a different way to the reality.

You might find yourself going over things in your head ruminating. What happened? Was it my fault? Could I have done something different? Could I have been better? Why does it feel so hard to let go?

Sorry you are going through this and its not easy or simple, but you can get through it.

Why it feels so overwhelming.

When a relationship ends, it’s not just about losing a person.

It can also be:

-          The loss of connection and closeness

-          The loss of shared plans or a future you had imagined.

-          The loss of a version of yourself within your relationship

-          The change of circumstances, it could be financial or co-parenting.

-          The loss of mutual friendships or the partner's family

For some people it can also trigger feelings linked to anxiety such as overthinking, restlessness, lack of sleep, difficulty concentrating, emotional vulnerability. It can feel confusing, intense, and hard to settle. It may seem like you’re not coping but really, it’s something meaningful in your life has changed.

The Pull to go back….

It is common to feel a strong pull to go back to the person after a breakup even if you know why t ended.

You might:

-          Want to reach out.

-          Check their social media.

-          Replay the good moments.

-          Question the decision.

This can create doubt, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship was right for you.

It can mean your nervous system craves the familiarity because that felt safe even if it wasn’t health or sustainable.

Grieving your loss

Break ups involve grief. Not just the relationship, but everything connected to it. Sometimes it brings up old their difficult endings you have had too. Sometimes this can open old traumas or losses that may feel raw and new. If you find old memories of other losses coming up therapy can be helpful to process these parallels.

You might find yourself moving through different stages of feelings.

-          Sadness

-          Anger

-          Relief

-          Confusion

-          Deniel

-          Loneliness

-          Limerence

Theres no right way to feel or a set time you should feel it for.

When you start to lose yourself

One of the harder parts of a breakup is not knowing who you are anymore. Especially if the relationship was a big part of your life.

You might notice:

-          Feeling empty, unsure or a void

-          Not having joy or knowing what you enjoy

-          Feeling disconnected from yourself or others

-          Feeling numb

This can be painful and unsettling but also when ready space for something new to take shape.

What can help?

-          Compassion and allowing the grief to be felt

-          Create gentle structure (Walks, regular meals, predictability in your day)

-          Nothing big just something to hold on to

Be mindful of the Loop.

When you get stuck replaying unhelpful conversations bring your attention back to the here and now. If you’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped you give your mind a break.

Find Reconnection within yourself.

-          Start to notice what you like in the small things

-          What feels comforting

-          What feels like your personality

This takes time so just small things and noticing

Reach out when you need to

It can feel isolating even if you have people around you.

Talking to someone you trust, or an impartial therapy space can help you to process what has happened and how it has affected you.

A different way of seeing it.

As painful as break ups are they can also be a point of change.

It can give you space to

-          Learn more about yourself

-          Understand what you need

-          Setting intentions going forward

There is no rush to move on quickly

It is something you move through at your own pace.

 If you’re going through a breakup and its affecting how your feel about yourself, your life, or your sense of directions, you don’t have to navigate it on your own.

If this feels familiar

If you’re going through a breakup and its affecting how your feel about yourself, your life, or your sense of directions, you don’t have to navigate it on your own.

Having a space just for you can make a real difference.